MyFursona.com

Apr 8, 2008 5:29am

(What would make a better blog post than one of my recent stand up routines? Keep in mind this comedy and I realize tone of voice doesn't come through well over the internet, but everything written below is suppose to be taken as a joke, and I really need to record some audio from my performances, but I've always hated listening to "live" shows over studio rehearsed, so I really need to work something out. Anyway enjoy.)

So I come from the state of Florida. The "sunshine state". Though with the news report on every day I honestly think we should be the "Pedo" state. I don't know how bad the other states have it. But in Florida the only news we have most the week is constant Pedo busts. Hell, sometimes these folks aren't even really being pedos, they're just being creepy and being sent to jail like a pedo.

A guy who worked at one of our schools only casually asked 4 football team members a simple question. For a scholarship bribe! All he asked was "Hey...Billy...whats having sex with a 16 year old girl like?". Now I ask myself this same question everyday, so I don't find it hard some random guy wants to know. But instead of answering the simple question, Billy goes ahead and throws away a decent bribe / hush money and tells some cops. Well now little Billy has not only just sent a half-innocent man to jail, he just screwed himself and three of his friends out of money. I imagine little Billy is regretting that decision now since his three friends are probably showing him "their side of the story". Probably only ratted since he couldn't answer the question. Too stupid to lie his way through it.

The real problem we have with pedos though, is that Florida really likes to attract them. I mean we practically dangle kids from a stick in front of them straight across the border. I mean all along our roads there billboards saying "Go to Disneyland!" and all those billboards is a picture of some Disney characters hugging up on little youngsters. Almost makes looking like a pedo seem okay. I know I'd be confused too if I went to some strange state that posted hot chicks rubbing up on guys and then it turns out having sex with the opposite sex is illegal.

Pedos might be Florida's problem. But I'm starting to have a really hard time understanding certain social groups that exists among us. I mean we have some really whacked out folks walking among us. Theres a group of people out there that believe that the little kids cartoon Digimon is real. If your not familiar with Digimon because you didn't have any kids in the 90's or weren't around the age of 7-19 in the 90's, then I'll tell you all you need to know. Japanese kids get sucked into the internet, or "digital world" and start beating the hell out of various creatures with their. It's like dog fighting but with animals with human intelligence and can easily communicate emotion and feeling!

Anyway, these wacko's, actually think that Digimon are real and some even believe they actually came from the digital world. Now these are either really convincing role players, or one of the craziest cults that hasn't committed mass suicide yet. Which trust me, it isn't easy verbally thrash another group of nerds, when I'm one myself, and they could probably kick my ass.

I'm actually on the bottom of the nerd totem pole if you go by labels, which I don't, so I'm actually on the top and no one acknowledges it. And I'm on the bottom of the totem pole, because currently the most dreaded group of nerds is the furries. Which didn't make me feel very good after I joined, since I realize how pathetic I am. But then I found out there were alot of military guys in this group and I was like "Oh hell yeah! G.I. Joe's on my side! And he's got a fox tail and ears...my dreams come true!". Well not really...but I felt more secure.

Anyway enough of furry G.I. Joe. I should probably tell you folks giving me the weird looks what furry is. Which is gonna make me sound so stupid when I'm retelling this to everyone who already knows. Basically though we're a group of people who are really into humanistic animals. Think of the Playboy Bunny girls, if they looked more like the logo...with a bunny for a face, and had all the fur.

I'm probably gonna piss someone off because I just started explaining to you guys with a sexual icon, and the furries are really tired of being pinned as sexual deviants. Seriously, we don't all screw hedgehogs. We realize it hurts, and the red necks gave us fair warning ahead of time. How do you think we got phrases like "Fucking my hedgehog of a wife" or "fucking like jackrabbits?". We learned early on and just avoided it.

However a couple...a very small portion mind you! As seen on CSI and MTV, and Vanity Fair, and all over the internet like to have sex with the costumes or puppets or whatever fur covered object they find. But those people already had issues to begin with, so uh, just forgive us for accidentally accepting them. I mean you guys did too until you ran him off for acting like Mickey Mouse on crack. Atleast we waited until he did something that was actually messed up.

But anyway, I'm just mention furry one more time, and it's not even the main issue on this one. I'm tired of people speaking for God. You hear it all the time, "God hates fags!", "God hates blacks!", "God hates Sweden", "God hates furries!". But none of those are true...except maybe the one about Sweden. But no, God doesn't hate any particular group of people on this planet currently. How can I say this assuredly? Think of the last thing God hated. Sodom and Gamora. God rained down fire upon those cities. The last time I attended a furry con or went to Sweden I didn't hear any weather reports about fire raining down within the area. And if God really hated us, trust me. He'd vaporize us instantly with little to no warning.

You've probably been staring at me long enough to realize I'm extremely pale. I'm of Irish and Scottish heritage. My ancestor didn't realize that it wasn't a goat he was fucking, it was actually my great great grandmother, who never bothered to shave. But anyway, my family came to the states during the fierce Potato famine! Our family didn't even own a potato farm or anything. They just wanted to eat 'em, so we got the hell of there and came to a place with some real food. Then they made the stupid mistake of heading to the south because of the plantations, don't worry, we didn't own one, we just wanted to be near the produce!

Unfortunately my family didn't consider one very important thing. Pale people sitting in the blazing sun, cook faster than baked potatoes! So thats the story of how I was brought up to fear the sun. It didn't help after the fear of skin cancer became common. My biggest fear really is this...and I know it's highly impractical and that no other theory supports it. But I fear that the sun will eventually grow bored of supplying us with life, and will eventually just draw us in and devour us like Galactus, Eater of Worlds. If you don't know who Galactus is, please feel free to kick my ass after the show for being such a nerd!

I really am quite the nerd even though I don't often show it. All the true nerds who are into World of Warcraft and all that are always shocked when I can jump into the conversation and actually know what the hell I'm talking about. I don't even play, I just befriend all the nerds I possibly could in High School in hopes they could take care of my technologically retarded ass. The only thing I have to do to repay the favor is make them laugh and let them feel better about themselves because I would never be able to email random folks in Mexico for drugs otherwise.

Though the nerds don't realize it, but they would die without geeks. And there is a difference. Nerds pretend they can shoot lasers and fly in X-wings and Arwings. But Geeks are actually smart enough to build that technology and sell it to the nerds. Meanwhile I'm somewhere outside of this exchange with my thumb up my ass screaming about how Y2k will be the end of us all.

I do have a fear of technology, which is odd since alot of people would say I'm Dependant on it. Alot of my friends are online, so I have to go all around the web to just make small chat with them, where I always look like a dumbass so it's a wonder they wanna be my friend to begin with. But whatever, I guess I really am a dancing monkey in a cage for other nerds to boggle at. But I'm really like those renaissance fare guys. I think Satan is directly related to technology because I don't understand it, and all of it gives you a weird form of cancer. And I'm a major believer that cancer is directly related to Satan, so it's like a triangle of evil. And even if it sounds insane, atleast I know it's farther from the edge than the Digimon cult! Which I just know they're gonna form a lynch mob to kill me for mocking their beliefs when I finally get the chance on TV.

Satan has had a major impact on my life. Not in the religious way, but more of the...my irrational fear is now rational because theres a mythical being taking the blame for it! Which actually brings me to the problem with people who keep yelling about the Bible being fiction. Now I'm fine with it being untrue and all that, and I don't mind it being called fiction, and the bible thumpers do need a good reality check, but do we really need to push it as an issue? I mean it's like telling Scientologist Battlefield Earth is fiction. They don't care what you say or how rational you make your argument. Your picking on 'em and they feel the need to call upon God to smite you, like the Pagans do the fire God! If you followed me on that one, I make more since aloud than I do in my own mind.
You've been a great audience, thanks for tolerating me!.